There is a trend I have noticed among people who seek help in marriage and couples’ counseling. Both partners usually have the best of intentions. Both usually want to save the relationship and make it better. But often people end up in marriage counseling because they are engaging in five selfish behaviors which prevent good communication and understanding for each other to take place.
1. During a discussion or argument, thinking more about your rebuttal and less about what your partner has to say.
This is the number one issue I see among couples seeking counseling. Partners will do a fine job of expressing their frustrations, but then become defensive when the other partner begins to talk. They begin forming their defense while the other person is talking thus missing important information their partner is trying to convey. This usually goes back and forth, and I often see that both partners contribute to this barrier to communication by also personalizing (more on this later) and becoming more defensive as emotions escalate. I suggest to my clients to practice listening by paying careful attention to the message their partner is trying to send and repeating back what they are hearing, without any sarcasm or rudeness. It is also sometimes helpful to write down what you hear your partner saying to keep your attention more on his message.
2. Not telling your partner about issues, both individual and in the relationship.
I have yet to meet a human being who can read another’s mind, and your partner is not an exception to this rule. It is selfish to assume that she should know exactly what is wrong and how you want her to help. It may be stress at work, worries about finances or behaviors your partner is engaging in that bother you. The list can be long, and not talking about it will breed resentment and irritation with each other. Often I see couples taking out stresses and irritations on each other. Talking and listening to each other can remedy a lot of what is bothering you.
3. Making assumptions: It’s not always about you!
The flipside to the previous selfish behavior is making assumptions about your partner’s behavior and taking it personally. When human beings experience stress, we tend to react in ways that are not always helpful or nurturing to a relationship. I often see that a partner will be short tempered with her beloved. The beloved then takes these actions personally and becomes irritated or angry. Ideally, the partner experiencing the stress would communicate to his partner (as was outlined in the number 2 behavior). But since none of us is perfect, it may be up to the offended party to bring this behavior to her partner in a way that is gentle and kind, while communicating how this behavior made him or her feel. When doing this, be careful to put assumptions aside. In other words, don’t assume that your partner intended to attack you and had malicious intentions. Instead, remind yourself that he is still the person you chose and the person you love.
4. Worrying about your sexual needs and ignoring the sexual needs of your partner.
Sex is an important part of marriage and an issue that almost always comes up in couples’ counseling. Usually the issues with sex come down to partners having different sex drives, desires and expectations of what is normal and healthy in a marriage. It is important for each partner to talk about these issues. It’s OK to state what you would like to see as far as sex goes in the marriage. Once those things are said, try to then consider what your partner has said and consider his needs and how you can accommodate and respect them. Communication is extremely important in this area, and it will need to be an ongoing discussion.
5. Only considering the quirks and mannerisms about your partner that bother you, and not the things you are doing that may be bothering your partner.
I cannot tell you how many couples’ sessions start with “He does this” or “She does that.” These statements usually go on to describe some behavior or personality trait that drives the other person crazy. Instead of focusing on what the other person is doing, I encourage both partners to focus more on their own behaviors, particularly those that irk the other person. I don’t ask people to change who they are, but I do ask that they become more self-aware and willing to make adjustments to make the relationship better.
Keep in mind that no relationship is perfect. If you notice yourself engaging in any of the above behaviors, you have already done a lot of the work to correct the behavior, as awareness is often the most difficult step to making a change. The key to addressing these behaviors is continued awareness.
‘I Tested Positive To HIV After Gang Raped By 3 Men – Chef Ayomide
Nigerian chef, Ayomide Idowu, who is also a male rape survivor, has taken to his Instagram page to tell his story.
The openly gay young man recalled how he was allegedly gang raped by 3 hoodlums at the age of 19 because of his sexuality and how he eventually contracted HIV.
Ayomide revealed his life never remained the same as he was also arrested and victimized by the police.
In his words;
“I could remember last 5years ago
What I pass through from 3 hoodlums
I was thoroughly beaten and gang-raped
All because I’m Gay…they took advantage of me
I was 19years old boy then, I suffered humiliation
Arbitrary arrest from police,inhuman degrading treatment,I lost my precious Home at the age of 19years..no parents no family…it really hurts to be an orphan….after I lost my virginity from the raped….having unprotected sex from those hoodlums I WAS TESTED POSITIVE….being positive my mood changed…I started my medication and think less…I stay away from smoking and alcohol…I eat Good fruits and vegetables…thanks to God I’m a testifier now
I’m undetectable my CD4 850 viral load 10
It really worth testimony 🙏🤦im looking healthy and stunning…being HIV positive is not the end of life…it reveals the other side of you…my aims of sharing my life threatening story as an orphan,so that people can learn from this…. 5years living positively”
See his post below:
Actress Osas Ighodaro Celebrates Her 30th Birthday With Emotional Post
Nigerian actress, Osas Ighodaro penned an emotional note via Instagram as she clocked 30-years-old on Monday.
To mark her birthday, the single mother of one posted a monochrome photo of herself as she wished for people to continue praying for those who lost their lives during these turbulent period.
“Thank God for another year. Happy Birthday to me. If you know me, you know I absolutely love birthdays but this year it certainly hits different. I’m overwhelming grateful for life and thankful to God to be able to see another birthday bc unfortunately many haven’t and won’t have that opportunity.
I am hopeful for better days for myself, those that I love and hold dear and most certainly for my country Nigeria. I pray for unity, peace, harmony and togetherness. We all deserve it.
My birthday wish is to please continue to pray for those innocent lives lost. Please remain hopeful and focused because I truly believe better days are soon ahead by God’s grace.
Peace, Love and Blessings.”
See her post below:
Exotic Resorts May Be the Best Bet for a Holiday
An exotic vacation usually means exploring a distant foreign country, whilst resorts are places
to go for rest, sport, or which offers a particular speciality, with many resorts being part of a
popular tourist destination or on or near a beach. If you are planning a vacation to an exotic
resort it can be a once-in-a-lifetime vacation to a far-flung destination or a luxurious place to
stay closer to home where you can enjoy some pampering.
Why stay at an exotic resort
Exotic resorts often offer all-inclusive vacation deals, along with other options that leave you
to plan your stay more precisely to your own wishes. These resorts offer excellent customer
service, superb accommodation and facilities and are usually to be found in beautiful settings.
Here are some of the best resorts from around the world for you to consider:
Four Seasons Resort, Seychelles
This famous resort has made many feel they have entered Paradise. The gentle ocean breeze
floats up the granite hillside and into your tree-house villa tucked away from the other guests
staying at the resort. This is perfect for encouraging you to relax, either by your private pool
or in the clear blue waters of Petite Anse Bay. Perfect for a romantic stay, there is a Spa for
pampering and the chance for a sunset meal on a deserted beach.
Some enjoy simply sitting on their balcony, gazing at the ocean between reading their book,
sketching or checking out international bookmakers and betting sites for the chance of a
flutter. If you want another type of adrenaline kick, check out the resorts excellent kayaking
and snorkelling facilities, which are recommended by nearly all who try it.
Anantara Resort, Hua Hin, Thailand
The ultimate tropical getaway, the Anantara Resort is an award-winning site modelled on a
traditional Thai village and is just three hours drive south of Bangkok. The location is where
Thai royalty and aristocrats have been holidaying for almost one-hundred years. Today, you
can visit historical attractions alongside theme parks and shops as well as vineyards and golf
The resort is set among 14 acres of lush tropical grounds with lotus-filled lagoons and
meandering pathways through exotic foliage, with many rooms overlooking the shoreline.
Each day, chefs prepare freshly caught local seafood alongside Thai specialities. The resort
also has an award-winning spa located within a lagoon-inspired oasis offering you the perfect
opportunity to relax.
Kurumba is a well-established resort that opened almost 50 years ago and continues to offer
superb hospitality and contemporary facilities. There are seven speciality restaurants offering
cuisine from Italy to the Middle East as well as Thila, a restaurant which extends out over the
water which offers gourmet breakfasts and seafood dinners.
You can go snorkelling over the nearby reef full of colourful marine life or sign up to a dive
package as part of your stay, or just enjoy a private pool when staying at one of the spacious
villages. There are also deluxe beachfront bungalows offering direct beach access and views
of the crystal-clear waters.
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