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12 Ways To Deal With The Hurt After Your Spouse Cheated

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images (32)So you’ve caught your partner cheating, or he or she has come forward and confessed. Now what?

Is the relationship over?

The answer to this question depends on whether you want it to be over or not. For some, infidelity—sexual or emotional—is a deal-breaker. Trust is shattered, healing is impossible, and walking away is the only choice. For others, it’s a devastating but not deathly blow. Infidelity can kill a relationship or serve as a wake-up call and provide an opportunity to make healthy changes that will sustain it for the long term.

If you love your partner and want to stay committed, it’s crucial to realize this: you get to choose how you feel and react. You can be angry, mean, and vengeful. You can add to the pain and widen the wound. Or you can acknowledge your hurt and approach the problem with the goal of healing. The choice—and there’s no right or wrong one—is yours. If you want to try to survive infidelity, the 12 steps below can serve as guideposts to help you navigate back from the abyss.

1. Forget about the statistics, stereotypes, and generalizations—and don’t allow them to define your response. If you default to the programmed reaction of anger and the assumption of intentional betrayal, you’ll quickly destroy each other and the relationship. Understand that your situation is specific to the two of you, focus on the relevant details, and liberate yourself from the prescribed script.

The underlying cause and meaning of infidelity doesn’t come from a study on hormones or brain chemistry, a self-help book, or all the novels, movies, and magazine articles we’ve ever read. It’s up to you and your partner to figure out why it happened and formulate a plan for healing.

2. Replace blame with understanding. This sounds easy, but it’s hard. “He or she did something,” you say, “and I’m the innocent victim.” That may be the case, but cheating—whether a one-night stand or a long-term affair—is almost always more complicated, and the non-cheating partner plays a role in the drama. A successful repair is contingent on shared responsibility for healing, and you can’t share responsibility for healing unless you share responsibility for the injury as well.

3. Resist the urge to punish. You hurt. Badly. And you want your partner to hurt, too. And that’s not all, you want to make your partner pay. Now is your moment of ultimate leverage, the time to present your list of demands, right? A bigger apartment or house? That vacation you’ve been talking about? A super-expensive apology gift? A year of apology gifts? Maybe even a lifetime? “If you love me and you want to make it right, you owe me.”

But all this does is perpetuate a power imbalance in the relationship and turn you into a permanent victim. Healing doesn’t result from punishment. Healing results from forgiveness and change.

4. Avoid revenge sex. It’s not just that two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s also that sticking it to your partner by indulging in your own indiscretion will only drive you farther apart. It doesn’t make things equal. It only makes things more broken. The key here is to understand the distinction between what may be in your self interest and what is in your best interest or more accurately, the best interest of the relationship. And hurting your partner deliberately won’t feel good. The high road is a hard road, but it’s the only road that leads towards healing.

5. Don’t tell the whole world. You will need support, so you may want to confide in a close friend or family member with discretion or take the problem to a therapist. But if there’s a good chance you’ll be staying with your partner, you don’t want to compromise him or her with your entire social circle, then later have everyone question your motives for staying.

You and your partner will be learning a delicate dance—a version of the two-step—with one step back for every two-steps forward, and many complicated moves to get back to solid footing. The last thing you need is advice from the audience or the pull of public opinion on your heart. Conversely, not telling anyone at all is probably unwise. Go ahead and get perspective, but don’t publicize.

6. Don’t become the police. It’s tempting after you learn you’ve been cheated on to demand access to your partner’s email, voicemail, text, calendar, and other personal communication sources, and to insist on checking in so you know where he or she is at all times. This is not a healthy or sustainable practice in a relationship, and it will only encourage your partner to seek secret ways to maintain privacy.

If you truly want all communication sources to be shared, make it mutual and open yours, too, to avoid setting a double standard in which you play the part of the probation officer with the power to put your partner back in jail.

7. Don’t desert. Walking away, cutting off all communication, and making your partner abase him or herself and beg for forgiveness is not a recipe for recovery. You may very well need time to yourself and space for your feelings. But unless you keep communicating, even if only in the presence of a counselor or therapist, there’s no hope of reconciliation.

For the cheating partner to apologize sincerely, the cheated-on partner must create a space for the apology to be not only heard but also accepted. Otherwise, the cheater becomes the masochist, the cheated-on the sadist, and the dialogue goes like this: “Whip me.” “Crack.” “Whip me.” “Crack.”

8. Come together around the unmet need. Unless your partner is a serial cheater, you’re dealing with a relationship problem, not a character flaw. Somewhere there’s an unmet need—for affection, attention, validation of worth or attractiveness, or simply being listened to and understood. Acknowledging the unmet need can be painful, because it means acknowledging your own contribution.

It may also unearth a larger problem—that you’ve been withholding from your partner because your own needs are not being satisfied. Joining together to explore and address the unmet need or needs in your relationship will point you in the direction of recovery and stop you from pointing fingers at each other.

9. Try not to take it personally. Come on! Get off it! What could be more personal than my partner having intimate relations with someone else? Well, here’s the rub. Of course, it affects you, but it may not be about you. And whether it is or it isn’t, the only way to survive the wound, repair the damage, and try to restore trust is to make it about the relationship. To personalize is to internalize and make separate. To depersonalize is to externalize and share.

And if you can accept that as a 50/50 partner in steering the ship, you’re at least partly responsible for it running aground, the next step is to accept your share of responsibility for righting the ship and getting it back on course. This is a bitter pill to swallow, because blaming, in the short term, tastes so sweet. But blaming blows a bigger hole in the hull and makes the ship sink faster, while sharing responsibility mends the breach so you can start bailing.

10. Separate how you feel about the cheating from how you feel about your partner. If you’ve raised kids, you’ll recognize this stance as, “I hate what you did but I don’t hate—and still love—you.” It’s simple in principle but often wrenchingly hard in practice, and it requires mastering your emotions and making conscious choices when it comes to your actions. This is probably the part you’ll need the most help with, either from a trained professional or a friend who’s been there.

11. Always remember that trust is fragile. You may have survived the cheating, but chances are it almost broke you. Trust requires commitment, communication, vigilance, and a measure of faith. Treat trust the way you would a treasured object made of porcelain or glass. Stay closely in touch with your feelings and your partner’s, particularly how your partner feels when he or she is with you. If your partner feels ignored, alienated, detached, or devalued, trust is in danger of being breached. How you feel when you’re with each other is the crucial barometer of relationship survival. If both sets of needs are being met, there’s little chance cheating will happen again.

12. Forgive but don’t forget. Forgiveness is tricky. You let go of the hurt but remember the pain. You don’t give those who hurt you carte blanche or set yourself up for it to happen again. Holding a grudge will destroy your relationship (you might as well leave), but denying the pain or erasing the event precludes learning and leaves you open to repetition.

So when the chapter is over, close the book, but keep it on your shelf. Notice it when you walk past, finger it from time to time, and embrace it as part of your relationship’s narrative. And unpleasant as it was, it’s something the two of you got through together.

Source: divorcedmoms.com

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Health and Food

Avoid These Nigerians Food To Burn Stubborn Belly Fat (Video)

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Being overweight or obese can be detrimental to your health. It is not advisable to have excess fat in the abdominal cavity because it can lead to some health issues. Getting your dream body will not be easy and you need to make some sacrifices to your diet. You will also need to turn a blind eye to some fatty foods.

If you’re ready to get rid of the belly fat, then stay put as Information Nigeria brings you some important tips that will help.

1. Avoid sugar and carbonated drinks

Did you know that consuming sugary substances like coke, fanta can lead to weight gain and a number of health problems like high blood pressure?. This is due to the high fructose content found in added sugars. Taking sugar-filled drinks may slow your metabolism and this in turn can make it harder for your body to burn fat. Fructose can only be metabolized by your liver. When you consume too much, you push your liver to its limit and it becomes overloaded, then it turns the fructose into fat and it ends up getting stored in your belly. To avoid putting yourself from risk, you should cut back on foods and drinks that contain huge amounts of sugar.

 

2. You also have to forgo junk foods like meat pie, cakes, rolls, candies, burgers, ice cream and cookies. You also need to do away with heavy foods like eba, akpu, pounded yam, rice among others. Switch up your eating habits and opt for a more balanced-diet if you want to burn your belly fat. Avoid consuming refined carbs like bread, pizza, potation chips etc. You should also stay away from processed and heavy foods because they contribute to stubborn belly fat. You should choose to eat proteinous foods like fish, eggs, and milk. starch contains fat, sugar and salt. They help a person feel fuller so you don’t end up looking for something to munch on after eating. It basically keeps hunger at bay.

3. Eat the right amount of fruits, vegetables, fibrous foods and whole grains – You can add vegetables, fruits and whole grains to your weight loss diet. They provide essential vitamins, minerals, fiber and other substances that are good for your body. Examples of fibre rich foods include; beans, broccoli, avocados, apples, oatmeal brown rice and whole grain bread.

4. Try to incorporate exercise into your daily or weekly routine – Exercise helps to speed up your metabolism and helps you shed weight. The bitter truth is that wearing just waist trainers and staying put in one position will not make you lose that stubborn belly fat. You should hit the gym.

5 Reduce alcohol intake – Excess intake of alcohol also leads to a host of health problems especially the build-up of fat in the belly area. Have you ever noticed that those who drink alcohol, especially men, often develop ‘pot-bellies’. Alcoholic drinks like beer provide your body with calories and very little nutrients. It can also increase your appetite. Replace the alcoholic drinks with water or alternate with low calorie, non-alcoholic beverages. Too much alcohol can cause liver damage and other serious health problems.

6. Try out apple cider vinegar – Apple cider vinegar is made in a two-step fermentation process. It is obtained from apples that have been crushed, distilled and fermented. Acetic acid is the main active component of apple cider vinegar. It is safe for consumption in small quantities and can be taken as a supplement. Do not also consume it straight from the bottle or in its pure form. Add 1 to 2 tablespoons to water before you drink. You can also add honey or lemon. It is best to drink it before your meals. Research shows it has many health benefits, such as lowering blood sugar levels.

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Entertainment

Williams Uchemba And His Wife Exchange Wedding Vows In Lagos (Video)

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Williams Uchemba and his wife, Brunella Oscar

Williams Uchemba and his wife, Brunella Oscar

Popular Nigerian actor, Williams Uchemba and his wife, Brunella Oscar have officially solemnized their union.

The couple finally exchanged their wedding vows at Dominion city church in Lagos state.

The beautiful wedding ceremony was reportedly officiated by the founder of the church, Dr. David Chukwudi Ogbueli alias Papa Eagle.

Celebrities, fans and well-wishers poured in congratulatory message for the couple after photos and videos from the ceremony hit the internet.

The actor wore a sleek tuxedo, while his bride,  wore a lovely white gown.

Read Also:Actor Williams Uchemba Set To Walk Down The Aisle With Mystery Woman

Watch the videos below:

https://twitter.com/gregorogholi/status/1330121905387540483?s=21

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Entertainment

Actor, Model, Comedian, Philanthropist… Meet The Latest Groom, Williams Uchemba

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Williams Uchemba

Williams Uchemba

Williams Uchemba, who was born on October 22, is an actor, motivational speaker, model, comedian, entrepreneur and philanthropist. The Abia-born thespian graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in International Relation from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka in Enugu State.

Uchemba began his career in the early 2000s as a child actor and came into the limelight in 2001 after appearing in the Nollywood blockbuster movie, “The Journey of the Dead” along with Olu Jacobs, Ramsey Noah, and Pete Edochie.

Since then, the multi-talented actor never looked back as he has gone ahead to feature in more blockbuster movies like Sugar Rush (2019), Merry Men 2(2019) and Story Story: The African Rideshare (2018). He is the recipient of several awards.

The actor adopted an 18-year-old furniture maker in June and he promised to sponsor his education. He recently got married to his longtime girlfriend, Brunella Oscar at her hometown, Alor in Anambra state. The actor’s wife, Brunella opened up on their love story with Wedding Digest Naija and she disclosed that she made the first move. According to the English trained medical doctor, they both met on Facebook after she sent him a message.

 

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