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The Nigerian

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“Oshodi! Oshodi! Oshodi!”The sound of the conductor’s voice was hard and somewhat unnerving, nevertheless I entered the bus. Sitting as closely to the window at the extreme right of the back seat as I could, I was far enough from the dirty looking mechanic on left, but not from the fish monger just in front of me; yet it couldn’t be helped. The conductor was still screaming.

“Oshodi, two more chance! Oshodi, two more chance!”

While simultaneously demanding money from those already seated.

“D bus naa ‘ow mush?” A lady asked

“U no hear as I dey shout am before u enter?” the conductor replied

“I just wan dey sure.”

“U no dey sure na im u com enter abi?”

“U no see d money wey oda people dey pay? Na only u wan dey sure for bus.”

“Na wa oh!” The lady retorted in frustration.

“Conductor, wich wan be fadeyi bus stop?” Another passenger asked at the top of his voice.

“Ehhn! Why you com dey shout now? Sey na Fadeyi you dey go?

“ Na im.”

“So na Fadeyi u dey go wey ur blood dey hot. When we rich sey I no go call am? A won wahala.”

A brief smiled grazed my lips, the conversation sounded typical. The conductor had answered two questions, with six questions of his own, typically Nigerian. I took a brief look outside the window and caught glimpse of a motorcycle rider who had narrowly escaped being hit by our bus. There was a loud outburst, as showers of vituperation were rained lavishly on him.

“Oloshi! Omo buruku!” the conductor shouted, revealing his hardly complete set of half brown teeth.

The conductor seemed hardly satisfied and attempted to chase him but quickly gave up.

“Wey ur money?” The conductor finally demanded of me, his foul breath almost suffocating me.

I had been so engrossed in observing the activities in the bus that I had forgotten to bring out my bus fare.

It wasn’t in my back pockets, I checked my side pockets, NOTHING!  This can’t be happening to me”

“Oga, wey ur money now!” the conductor asked again, stretching his sweat dripping palms towards me in a gesture of demand. I still couldn’t find the money, I was now searching frantically. I just couldn’t find it.

 I was sweating profusely. Was I going to get pummeled by this scruffy looking man?

I had worn my Gucci shirt today, the trousers were also designer clothing, my wrist-watch was an original Swatch, my shoes were Timberland and I was going to get thoroughly embarrassed by this singlet wearing, vernacular speaking, ill-mannered, badly cultured, brown toothed ruffian. Over 70 Naira! After a few minutes, he asked

“U be student?”

I heard myself answer “yes Sir, I am Sir.”

“yes Sir, I am Sir. To this uneducated riff-raff, unbelievable!” I thought.

At this point I expected him to open his mouth and shower me with insults but he was distracted by a police officer.

“Shun Sir, Officer, how work?”

The policeman seemed uninterested in the salutation; he merely stretched out his palm and pretended that he was controlling traffic. The conductor took the cue and immediately produced eighty naira in three notes and placed it in the officer’s open palm. The bus was already in motion before the policeman noticed that he had been handed twenty naira short of the bribe he had expected. He struck the bus hard with his baton and attempted to pursue but gave up when he was almost knocked down by a car.

“Ole!” the conductor laughed in triumphant delight.

I briefly forgot about my predicament and started to laugh but the conductor’s stern look pulled me back to reality, I immediately resumed my frantic search for my bus fare.

“What grandiose Impoverishment, more humble clothing would have at least reflected your state of impecuniosity.”

“Sor..ry?” I asked

“wich one be sorry now, abi u no yhear wetin I talk. U carry fine clot finish begin dey fyn seventy naira.” The conductor asked.

I was totally bewildered; his new diction conveyed the same meaning as the initial statement, but could this man really possess such grand vocabulary?

“My unimpressive appearance is but a façade. Like you, I am well educated; in fact I graduated in the upper echelons of my class.” He said.

My jaw fell.

He smiled.

“I had a 2-1 from a prestigious university, but I’ve been looking for a job for six years. I still wear my suit occasionally… when I go for interviews.”

“So what happened” I finally replied.

He looked at me, a sardonic smile on his face. “Life happened.”

“When you are in school, you think you’ll get a job the day you finish your NYSC.” He laughed.

“After two years without a means of sustenance, I decided since I can’t be a thief, I will become a policeman.”

“Thief and Police, dem be broda now.” Someone said.

Well, eventually I resorted to this job. There are ten other children at home; I can’t come back every day without money.” He smiled, revealing yellow teeth again but this time I saw signs of congeniality and urbaneness in his rough and badly bruised face.

“Fadeyi wa!” he shouted, signaling the man who had previously questioned him on its location.

“Oga no be your money be dis?”

The fish monger who I would have so gladly sat several seats away from asked me. Indeed, it was the hundred naira note I had being looking for, I thanked her, paid the fare and highlighted.

As I started off, I turned to look at the conductor, this man, whose image had now been transformed in my eyes, he was still shouting but he held his chin up high, a tinge of dignity in his voice; I sensed the threat of falling into the same predicament. But more importantly I saw his desire to go on, to survive no matter the odds, to continue, to struggle and not give up, it was simply Nigerian. His situation made me despair but his resolve gave me strength, I knew immediately that no matter how things turn out I would never give up. After all I am a NIGERIAN.

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3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. banky

    August 25, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    make sense i love the story this one of the best creative write up i’ve seen

  2. chris

    August 26, 2011 at 11:24 am

    this is wonderful, I would love to meet the writer…. Extremely creative & point well-driven home… Imagine a bus conductor so fluent in English with extra-ordinary vocabulary.

  3. chidi

    August 26, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    man you are very creative… can nigeria sail through this ugly,harsh and chaotic stage.

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Opinion

Who Will Explain Coronavirus To Buhari?

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Coronavirus (COVID-19), an exorable doom, threatens life on the planet. It is exorable because it is conquerable. This explains why world leaders are taking the charge to combat this ominous apocalypse. It is a time for leadership from the fore-end; a time when citizens must hear their leaders speak to them; see them take action, making assurances and fulfilling those promises. The counsel, consolation and firm statement of a leader is imperative at this moment.

In Canada, Justin Trudeau, prime minister, despite being in self-isolation and his wife battling the virus after contracting it at a conference in the UK, is leading the fight against this dreaded disease from the fore. He is providing regular updates of the efforts of his government to roll back this scourge, listening and speaking to citizens.

In a popular broadcast on March 13, Justin spoke to citizens of Canada announcing measures to relieve the financial stress brought on by the pandemic on Canadians.

“We do not want any Canadian to have to worry about whether or not they’re going to be able to pay their rent, whether or not they’re going to be able to buy groceries, or care for their kids or elderly family members. We need to make sure that Canadians have the options and the ability to follow the best public health advice and keep themselves safe,” he said.

In the UK, Boris Johnson, prime minister, leads the struggle against coronavirus. He provides updates, alongside health experts, on the measures his government is taking to tackle the spread of the disease. And in the US, Donald Trump is not shying away from speaking to Americans on the virus.

As a matter of fact, President Muhammadu Buhari’s lapses are often easily dismissed by his supporters or by Nigerians who do not know better. Some of them say, ‘’ Why must the president speak when the minister of health and the NCDC DG are already doing that?” This is a contemptible rationalisation of incompetence. Are they suggesting the president lacks the capacitance to understand the issues?’’

Really, I surmise the president has been walled off the ‘’candid cameras’’ over the years by his handlers – not just now – because he lacks the intellectual propensity to understand and discuss incisive issues. The last presidential media chat he held was in 2015 and it was a woeful outing. Also, his non-choreographed media interviews have been abysmal to say the least.

The truth is the unfiltered Buhari is a vacuously gaffing one. On October 14, 2016, standing beside Angela Merkel, German chancellor, Buhari said his wife, Aisha, ‘’belonged in the kitchen and the other room’’, when he was asked to comment on the first lady’s criticism of his government.

On April 18, 2018, at the Commonwealth Business Forum in London, the president said the young citizens of the country he leads are lazy.

“More than 60 per cent of the population is below 30, a lot of them haven’t been to school and they are claiming that Nigeria is an oil producing country, therefore, they should sit and do nothing, and get housing, healthcare, education free,” he said during a panel appearance with world leaders at the forum.

In a February 2016 interview with UK Telegraph, Buhari dropped another clanger. He said the young citizens of his country have a knack for criminality and should not be granted asylum in the UK.

With the Buhari experience, it is indubitable that Nigerians must place a high premium on education — not just certificate – in choosing their leaders. The cost of electing leaders who do not have the intellectual grit to understand and handle matters is far too high.

The senate has asked the president to speak to citizens on this threat, and Nigerians are also asking the president to speak to them. This is an abnormality. Citizens must not beg to hear from their president. But because it is Buhari involved here, we have to beg and even excuse the crass inefficiency and vacuity.

Perhaps, the president is still trying to get a hang of it. I think he has ‘’capable handlers’’ who can break it down to him in ABC.

Mr President, speak to your citizens. The words of a leader are more resounding and assuring than the blandishment of proxies.

PS: Let’s follow all health protocol as advised by the NCDC.

• Wash your hands regularly with soap under running water.

• Cover your mouth and nose properly with handkerchief or tissue paper when sneezing and/or coughing. You may also cough into your elbow if a handkerchief is not available.

• Avoid close contact with anyone showing symptoms of respiratory illness such as coughing and sneezing.

• Avoid self-medication, report to the nearest health facility when you experience any of the above-mentioned symptoms.

Fredrick Nwabufo is a writer and journalist.

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Opinion

Sanusi: Once Upon An Emir, By Wole Olaoye

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Dethroned Monarch, Sanusi

We are all potential Ex-es: ex-student, ex-director, ex-lecturer, ex-senator, ex-governor, ex-president, ex-oba, ex-emir…. The inimitable Zik famously reminded us when he had a spat with Ukpabi Asika that Ex was an inevitable prefix for any human being as was evidenced by the fact that a certain young man who would someday become an ex-Administrator, was the son of an ex-postmaster!

So, what’s so apocalyptic about Sanusi Lamido Sanusi joining the ranks of ex-potentates? Nothing? Everything! Don’t ever think that bell you are hearing is tolling for the former Emir of Kano. No. It could be signalling the beginning of a comprehensive demystification of traditional rulership by plebeians holding tenured political power. In centuries past, no plebeian messed with the traditional institution. The halo of nobility, the sheer vastness of a prince’s hereditary powers, rights and privileges, made the subject know his place.

Yesterday’s subjects are today’s political sovereign. They make no pretences to sophistication. They load a gun to kill a spider. When you dethrone a monarch and then deprive him of his liberty, forcefully banishing him to a place without electricity and potable water, you are playing god. If it was all a public relations Olympics, the calm dignity with which Sanusi handled the humiliation made people all over the world admire his chutzpa and hand him the gold medal. A

Life and its many puzzles! Why is it that for some men and women, “their sleep is taken away unless they cause some to fall”? What do you do about an ego that knows no satiation? As the Preacher in the Good Book timelessly says, “All the rivers flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full… The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear content with hearing… there is nothing new under the sun”.

The Yoruba have a poem that says just that. “The horse struts and frets and then dies. Being a veteran walker is no immunity to getting lost. Nothing new under the sun. I’ve seen kings reduced to slaves; and servants who mounted the throne. Haven’t my eyes beheld both river and sea? Haven’t I seen a hunchback on spindly legs, and a midget climbing a ladder to add condiment to the soup pot? Tell me, has anyone ever started a building from the roof?

The new Emir of Kano, Alhaji Aminu Ado Bayero, is a cousin of his predecessor. As royal intrigues go, when the dust is settled the sword will be sheathed and brother will embrace brother. That is the way of princes. Eventually, outsiders will realise that all they can ever be in palace politics is outsiders. Our very own Nobel prize winning Kongi was not amused by the scandalous extra-judicial detention of the former emir.

He put the emir’s travail down to his progressive stance: “Emir Sanusi was a one-man EFCC sanitisation squad in the banking system, taking on the powerful corrupters of that institution…. “Most important of all, and most pertinently for the nation, Sanusi was one of the early warning voices against religious extremism whose bitter fruits the nation is currently reaping….

The doors of enlightened society remain wide open to Muhammad Sanusi. As for his current crowing Nemesis, a different kind of gates remain yawning to receive him when, as must, the days of governorship immunity finally come to an end.” Support for Sanusi is not limited to radical voices.

Veteran technocrat Alhaji Ahmed Joda penned a panegyric in support of the ex-emir: “The purpose of this letter to you is not to commiserate with you, because I know that you must have known the likely consequences  of the principled position you have taken. The reality we must face in Northern Nigeria is that the evil forces of feudalism that have kept us in bondage for so long are still there and fighting. You have been the only voice that has been telling us this truth….”

It is easy to kick a man given a pin-fall by fate, or piss on the grave of a fallen warrior. Dead men don’t bite. Real friends show up when you are in life’s valley. Say what you will, I would rather have a friend like Nasir el Rufai when the chips are down. In the midst of all the turmoil, conspiracy theories have surfaced to the effect that the dethronement is but a political sleight-of-hand to propel Sanusi to Nigeria’s presidency in 2023. Caution! Let’s separate the issues. Political succession is totally different from fundamental human rights. Sanusi is not my next president.

My views on power rotation are well documented. The ex-emir will go down in history as a champion for the rights of the poorest of the poor. He advocated for a new Northern Nigeria where old backward practices such as the almajiri system and irresponsible parenting will be abandoned. His was the voice crying out in the desert, lift my people up from the cesspit of penury. The attempt to demonise him after dethronement through various allegations, including one on religious fundamentalism, is dead on arrival. The same fate will befall the vilification of El Rufai on account of his loyalty to Sanusi. Please quote me: Modern challenges can never be resolved with a resort to medieval solutions.

Christopher Hitchens’ Q&A may someday apply to the ex-Kings College boy who’s now an ex-king.

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Opinion

Sanusi Dethronement: The North Only Beheads The Bearers Of Truth

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Emir Sanusi

By Fredrick Nwabufo

Northern Nigeria is prostrate. It is the axis of uglies – banditry, insurgency, kidnapping, diseases, ignorance, and drug abuse. Alas! The region’s elite are aware of the problems, but look away because the disequilibrious status quo sustains them. What is petrifying, however, is that they maul and clobber at anyone who spits the truth in their faces.

I think, this is the mortal sin of Muhammad Sanusi II, emir of Kano – beyond his politics with Abdullahi Ganduje, governor of Kano.

But wait!

The World Bank says 87 percent of Nigeria’s poor are in the north. And that while poverty is plummeting in the south, it is rocketing in the upper region.

READ: Dethroned Sanusi Will Be Under House Arrest – Ganduje’s Aide

“Poverty in the northern regions of the country has been increasing especially in the north-west zone. Almost half of all poor lived in the north-west and the north accounts for 87 percent of all poor in the country in 2016,’’ the Bretton Woods institution said in its report entitled ‘Advancing social protection in a dynamic Nigeria’ in February 2020.

In August, 2019, the federal government revealed that 1,460 people were killed by bandits in seven months. And that the north-west is the worst-hit by this bloody enterprise. The killings have steadied, expanding in proportion and execution in the region.

In his accustomed manner, Sanusi recently vocalised these depressing figures of retrogression in the north – as regards the World Bank report — earning himself praise from progressive Nigerians and reprimand from the usual suspects — those stuck in the cesspit of bigotry.

Also, the gadfly emir of Kano, whom I regard as the John the Baptist of the north for his vociferous condemnation of this status quo, is alone in his advocacy against irresponsible polygamy, Al-majiri and child marriage – practices the northern elite espouse. He is the face of a progressive north; the northerner of the new age.

As a matter of fact, on different occasions he had complained about the northern elite whom he said wanted to silence him for speaking the truth about the region.

‘’Our colleagues and compatriots among the elite do not like statistics. Numbers are disturbing. I recently gave a speech in which I said the north-east and north-west of Nigeria are the poorest parts of the country. This simple statement of fact has generated so much heat; the noise has yet to die down. The response to this speech has been a barrage of personal attacks and insults aimed at silencing any voices that dare shine the light on the society to which we are saying Bring Back our Girls,’’ he said at a lecture held to commemorate the Chibok girls abduction.

READ: Sanusi Breaks Silence After Dethronement As Emir Of Kano (Video)

And I guess they can only take the throne away from him but cannot take away his royalty in the community of decent humans. Really, I believe the emir would rather give up his throne than be gagged by the shareholders of iniquity.

To say the least, Sanusi’s dethroning was not unexpected. Ganduje had always shown his hand in this plot. Really, the emir of Kano never hid his dislike for him. But what is there to like about a governor who was allegedly caught on camera stuffing wads of dollars into his babariga? In the build-up to the 2019 governorship election in the state, the emir was not shy in expressing his disapproval to Ganduje’s candidature.

So, Ganduje, who considers Sanusi a ‘’loud mouth’’, plotted a bitter revenge after he was re-elected. He had moved to remove the emir in 2018 but for the intervention of some ‘’higher powers’’. However, he whittle-down the power of the emir by creating new emirates from his domain. He was not done though. He rustled-up allegations, set up probe panels – all in the desperation to embarrass Sanusi.

But Sanusi was still talking.

Really, one of the most abrasive places to exist is in the circle of non-progressives. You talk different, think different or act different, they will feel threatened. Even when you try to clown around; the aboriginal clowns will still feel threatened because you do not look the part.

I think, Emir Sanusi is light-years away from the people he is dealing with in Kano government. He is needed more at the top echelon of government where he can contribute more meaningfully to the development of Nigeria.

Northern Nigeria is not ready for an emir like Sanusi. He is ahead of his time.

Fredrick Nwabufo is a writer and journalist.

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